It’s always good to see elected officials and civilians coming together to push for positive change, and focusing on issues that really matter.

This is not one of those times!

Earlier this week Alabama Rep. Jeremy Gray put forth Bill AL HB246, the purpose of this bill being to overturn a ban on yoga in public schools that has stood since in 1993. Let’s all take a deep breath in through the nose, out through the mouth, and then come to center to read that again.

Yoga has been banned in Alabama public schools since 1993

because —get ready for it—

that would promote Hinduism.

You’d think the folks who put that bill in effect and have been backing it all these years would be huge supporters of yoga, given how big of a fucking stretch that is. Doing yoga leads to Hinduism just as much as swimming leads to becoming a dolphin. Conservative groups in Alabama pushed back hard against this bill, with one arguing “If this bill passes, then instructors will be able to come into classrooms as young as kindergarten and bring these children through guided imagery, which is a spiritual exercise, and it’s outside their parents’ view. And we just believe that this is not appropriate,” but what I want to know is, why stop there?

You know what else is outside the view of parents? Math.

You know that the number 666 is the number of the Devil, and did you know that if kids type 80085 into a calculator it looks like the word BOOBS?! Why are we allowing math, which teaches innocent children demonic numbers and promotes BOOBS, in public schools?!

Something to think about!

In defending the bill, Jeremy Gray said after doing yoga for ten years he has yet to become a Hindu —just what a secret Hindu insurgent hellbent on destroying the fabric of America would say— and even though the bill would simply allow for public schools to authorize yoga as a physical exercise “limited exclusively to sitting, standing, reclining, twisting, and balancing”, that’s just too risky.

That’s how they getcha, y’know. Balancing and standing.

But don’t worry, everyone, the bill was not passed, yoga is still banned in Alabama public schools. Lawmakers and concerned citizens with firmly clenched buttholes continued to protect Alabama’s youth from the danger that is flexibility. Namaste.



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